her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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