BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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