you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Too much gin, very little bucket
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
