There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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