I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It was like giving head to a cactus.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
