i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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