He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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