If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
