He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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