um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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