is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
