Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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