Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
