Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
