I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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