Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
