I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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