did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
