I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
