i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
