I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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