Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
