wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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