she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
