Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
