i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
