Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
