And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize