I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize