Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
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