so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
