Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
