when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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