You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
