My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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