YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
