Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
