lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
