Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
