So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
