What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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