Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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