I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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