I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
