Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
