remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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