is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize