I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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