I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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