Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
