your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
