My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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