So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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