apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
