APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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