my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
