Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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