I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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