it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
