So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
