Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
