Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
