We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize