It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize