cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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