i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
A+ Viking dick
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
