Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
