I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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