I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
