No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
