U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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