i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize