I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize